work e-mails...

Someone in our office sent this e-mail out to the entire building. I swear, I did no editing of this message except to leave the name off:

> Hello all,
>
> If you left a coffee cup in the downstairs men's room, and can tell me the "secret contents", then I have it for you, at my desk.
>
> Thanks!
>

I can only guess what the "secret contents" are and none of my guesses are very appealing.

you can't make this stuff up...

Discovered this gem of a wrong number left on our home answering machine:

"um hi, i believe your name is sam. my name is shannon. um...my fiance is in jail with your husband and he wanted him to tell micah to tell him to tell me to tell you to unblock your phone. If you need help, I can help you with that. He wants you to come down and visit him. Again, my name is shannon. You can reach me at xxx-xxx-xxxx. But, I will be gone at 5:00 o'clock but my grandma will be here. She's not sure about things. Thank you I guess. Bye."

...yea...life is stranger than fiction.

elevator madenss

There is a building at work which I often have to frequent and because it is 7 stories high, I often take the elevator when going down (going up I take the stairs - it's good for you). Today, I entered the elevator with two other individuals and, as is American custom, we all made sure no one made eye contact with one another. Instead, per appropriate elevator etiquette, we each stared at the numbers above the elevator door as it started to go down. Now the weird part. I knew we were going down because I could feel it but the numbers were going up. It was madness. My two elevator-mates looked at me, then back at the numbers, then back at me. It was like they wanted me to calm them down and say something like "don't worry, this elevator is not going to hell". When the door opened, we peaked out from beyond the door and sure enough, it was on the first floor though the elevator said it was on floor 8. I think they are doing some social psychology experiment here.

I actually waited for a few more people to enter the elevator then hopped back on just to see people's reactions. It was great. Someone hits floor 2, it shows floor 7, and they freeze and don't know what to do. The door opens and it is obviously floor 2 and I know they've been on floor 2 before and should recognize its their floor so get the hell out of the elevator. But, instead they put all their trust in the elevator which tells them it is floor 7 and they freeze, not knowing that if they take a step forward, they may pass into some sort of space time continuum.

first day of work after a vacation...

You know it is the first day back after a long vacation and people don't have their heads screwed on straight when I get a phone call like this:

me: "Thank you for calling XXX. This is YYYY"

caller: "Hi YYYY. I am trying to get my voicemail."

me: "your voicemail?"

caller: "Yes. Can you read my voice mail to me?"

me: "I am not sure I understand. I think you meant to call 555-MAIL or 555-MAII depending where you are located".

caller: "Oh. Sorry. I thought we may have switched to real live people reading voicemails. That would have been nice. Sorry to bother you"

a bad day skiing, is not always better than work

I love Vail and the Blue Sky Basin is one of my favorite areas of the mountain. Of course, after this incident:

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2009/jan/06/vail-skier-left-hanging-upside-down-and-half-naked/?partner=RSS

pictures here:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0106091vail1.html


I am not sure I will ever be able to look at the chairlift the same.

more observations from the week...

1) The Texas-OU game last night was fantastic. It had all the elements of a great college football game - the momentum changes, the great crowd, the excitement right up until the end. The only thing that completely sucked were the announcers. Please tell me the real announcers missed their flight and those two guys were pulled from their assigned security duties. I don't think I've ever watched a game where one of the most memorable points were how bad the announcers were. The camera crew wasn't much better. I think there were at least 20 plays which the first second was missed because the camera was focused on something else. When it was focused on the play, we were forced to listen to the worst announcers I have ever seen for a game. Channnel 4 has better announcers when they do the high school games. And what was with the studio analysts they had, Barry Switzer and Jimmy Johnson?! Are you kidd'n me? Fox should clearly stick with the NFL.

2) My commute to work is about 5 minutes by either bike or car though, if I miss the lights, it is about 6 1/2 minutes by car. As such, I try to ride as much as possible but last week we had gusts of 80mph in Boulder and I didn't think my 150 pound body on a 25 pound bike could withstand that wind. Of course, I came to that conclusion after trying it. So, I ended up driving in and listening to the morning talk show which always has people calling in with weird topics. I have no idea why, but this morning they were discussing men's girdles and
how, as America gets bigger, the men's girdle is making a come back. I don't remember men's girdle's ever being "in" so I'm not sure how they can claim they're making a come back but whatever. Now, I don't know about you, but every man I know would rather let that stomach stick out than try to keep it in. Men are proud of putting a roof over their tool. No way in hell would a real man be caught wearing this:

http://www.underworks.com/965.html

which is why all those models have their heads missing. You don't see heads missing on women models:

http://www.underworks.com

Personally, I think someone is trying to get people to spend money any way they can to get this economy going. Maybe a mass rush of men buying girdles is the answer to lower unemployment and the limiting of jobs being outsourced overseas.

3) The neighbor's in the witness protection program moved out! You can not tell me it is a coincidence that less than a week after I "out" them, they suddenly pick up and move from a place they've lived longer than I have. I spoke with the landlord and he didn't even know they left until I called him about a odd sound coming from the unit. I actually thought the sounds was coming from our basement office and I unplugged every electrical device I could find but still could hear it. I brought Callie down to the basement to see if she could hear it but she didn't so I figured it was just another voice in my head till we stepped outside and realized it was coming from the witness protection folks' place. Knowing they left, I called the landlord who was pretty surprised to hear they just up and left with no notice. Food was even still in the fridge. I don't care how big of a rush you are in, you don't leave food in the fridge.

4) Utah beat Alabama but watching that game hurt my eyes. The Ute's were in white and red and Alabama was in red and white though the way 'Bama played I think it was the Buffs dressed in Red. That color contrast was almost as bad as when USC in their red and gold played Arizona state in their gold and red at Arizona State in the field painted red and gold. I highly recommend finding this game on youtube - your eyes and brain get so overwhelmed with bright colors it's better than doing drugs.

BTW, I am sure all those fans shouting down the Big 12 as Mississippi beat down Texas Tech are probably having second thoughts as Alabama got humiliated by, according to Nick Saban, a non-real BCS conference team.

5) I was told this week it takes 9 weeks to grow a goatee. The person who told me this has a goatee so I'm sure he knows what he's talking about but that seems like a long time. I assume I'll have to trim it before 9 weeks but given it has been 2 weeks and it looks like
I only missed a day of shaving, I doubt this experiment will go on very much longer. Plus, I'm starting to see Jason and Jesse's faces when I look in the mirror and given I see them at least 5 days a week for 40 hours, not sure I need to be reminded of them more than that. I'll probably have to shave this in the coming days.

6) Callie loves doing laundry. I don't quite understand it but she was jumping with joy in the laundry room with 3 big piles of laundry surrounding her. By big, I mean middle America big. Waste high. I didn't even know we had that many clothes to build a mountain like that but bless her heart that she really doesn't mind laundry. Definitely a good thing when a little one goes through more clothes than you...which brings me too..

7) ...at some point, after having a kid, you kinda stop caring about what you are wearing on weekends. After all, no matter what you put on, you'll be crawling on the floor, having food spit up on you, dealing with poop, or getting soaked trying to give a bath. By the way, who the hell invented bubbly bath soap? As if dealing with a wet, squirmy baby wasn't enough, some genius decides to add the bubbly soap bath to the equation which might as well be baby camouflage. I can see the look in Talia's eyes "haha, try to find me and catch me now".

So, with this past 4 day weekend, I proudly made it 3 days with the same jeans, shirt, socks, and, yes, underwear. Jeans don't ge broken in anyway until the 2nd or 3rd day but underwear, wow...it just molds to your ass and feels like second skin by day number 3. Too bad we had to go out on the town Saturday night or I would have made it 4 full days. I'm sure I would have been kicked out of bed on that 3rd night though.

Things I have learned in the past week

1) Baby's are like dogs except when you point, they look at what you are pointing at rather than at your finger. Other than that, they stick everything and everything in their mouth. Wrapping paper? In the mouth it goes. Rock on ground? In the mouth it goes. Water from the toilet? In the mouth it goes.

2) Manufacturer's of staple guns are out to get you. Whomever decided to invent a staple gun in which the staple comes out of the opposite side from where you depress should be shot with a staple gun in the ass multiple times. The average person is very familiar with a stapler and when you press a stapler, the staple comes out from the same side as where you pressed down upon. Why the f@#! did the staple gun inventor think "hey, I got an idea. Let's make the staple come out of the opposite end from where you push". Maybe its just me or the fact that I am down to only 9 good fingers at the moment but damn the inventor of the staple gun!

3) Joining facebook is not necessarily a good thing. Psycho's from back in childhood are able to track you down and tell you how horrible Elementary school was, how bad they were teased, and how their experience in 2nd grade led them to a life of alcoholism, depression, and acute parental disorder where they are unable to talk to their own mom. I liked my life before anyone could track me down. There is a reason I only gave a few people my number when I left Jersey.

4) You gotta admit Chanukah is kinda cool. You not only get presents for 8 days, you get to play with fire each night. True, no Santa Clause but you don't ever hear of some guy dressed as a dreidel showing up and shooting anyone.

5) The Bronco's game was so bad that Louisiana Tech and Northern Illinois on ESPN was a much more enjoyable to watch even though I still am not sure which team was which or even if they are Division I. Yea, I know, it's not called Division I anymore but rather the Football Bowl Subdivision. That's something else I learned in the past week.

OLD Name NEW Name
Division I-A Football Bowl Subdivision
I-A Bowl Subdivision or FBS
Division I-AA NCAA Football Championship Subdivision
I-AA Championship Subdivision or FCS
I-AAA Division I

Ah, that's clear as mud. I'm glad the NCAA had some spare time on their hands to think of this. Supposedly they did this so the lower divisions wouldn't feel inferior being called "double A" or "triple A". Who are they kidding? The "double A" folks have a freak'n playoff system. Who's inferior?

6) Our neighbors are in the witness protection program. Yea, I know this sounds weird and paranoid but trust me on this one. They've lived there longer than us and come and go at odd hours of the day and have never said more than 2 sentences to anyone in the complex. They take their garbage out somewhere between 2am and 4am which wouldn't be strange if they were in college downing pizza's and beer and playing the Wii but they're in their upper 50's. It's odd too that they supposedly are school administrators down in Denver yet live in Boulder but hate the outdoors. Living in Boulder and hating the outdoors is like driving a Ferrari and hating driving. Plus, the guy always dresses like a pimp. They switch cars more than Henry the 8th switched wives and they always have an out-of-state license plate. Every so often, a black Lincoln Continental stops by with a very well dressed person driving it. They stop in front of our neighbor's place, jot down a few notes, sometimes ask us random questions like "Have you seen your neighbors in a teal car?" or "Have you seen people living here?" They then nod, write some more stuff down, and drive off. Yesterday, they seemed to have done some house cleaning as they threw out a lot of documents in the recycle bins. Of course, we were obliged to go through them like good CSI detectives and they were all sorts of military and government type papers. School administrators? Yea, and I'm the Pope.

7) CNN's BREAKING NEWS: "NORAD IS TRACKING SANTA"

I wish this were a joke but it was on the main CNN's breaking news page Christmas eve. The apocalypse is upon us.

Just please tell me those aren't my tax dollars funding http://www.noradsanta.org